Musical Amazement of 2015

For anyone who knows me, you know that for the most part, I've usually got music on... of all styles, genres, eras and whatnot. (Mostly for myself) I've decided to make a list of my favourite albums I discovered this year and then my top songs. Each album took hours of my time, but each specific song likely took up days. When I find one I love, hello, repeat. My songs of the year are  a) songs with amazing beats that are fun to dance to (especially in the car), b) fun to sing to (especially in the car at the top of my lungs, also while dancing), or c) can be attributed to specific moments or events of the year that hold much significance. A large brunt of them stem from Osheaga, the event highlight of my year. Other songs like Sia's and Selena's were "fuck you" songs directed at men who did me wrong and anything else was simply a song that touched something within me, my heart, or was simply just a fucking awesome song (thanks, Biebs). See below for a taste via YouTube.

Meaghan's Favourite Albums of the Year:

Broods – Evergreen

Iggy Azalea – The New Classic

Kid Ink – Full Speed

Lana Del Rey – Ultraviolence

Marina and the Diamonds - FROOT

Mumford and Sons – Wilder Mind

Of Monsters and Men – Beneath the Skin

Taylor Swift - 1989

Tove Lo – Queen of the Clouds

Meaghan's Favourite Songs of the Year:

Broods – Bridges

The Chemical Brothers - Go

Coldplay – Adventure of a Lifetime

Disclosure - Omen

Drake – 10 Bands

Florence + the Machine – Queen of Peace

Justin Bieber - Sorry

Kardinal Offishall – That Chick Right There

Kid Ink – Diamonds and Gold

Lana Del Rey – High By the Beach

Major Lazer – Lean On

Metric – The Shade, Too Bad So Sad, Lies Lies Lies, For Kicks

Of Monsters and Men – I of the Storm

Prince Royce – Stuck on a Feeling

Rihanna – Bitch Better Have My Money

Selena Gomez – Same Old Love

Sia – Elastic Love

Tove Lo – Thousand Miles

Vance Joy – Riptides, Fire and the Flood

The Weeknd – I Can’t Feel My Face

X Ambassadors - Renegades

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for every one of our encounters, every one of the lessons I've been taught (and am still learning!), and the love/like/dislike/disconnect/reconnections I've had this year.

I've had a lot of uphill battles in 2015, from broken hearts to biting dogs to contemplating selling the house to feelings of self-loathing and dealing with much of this by not eating, by eating too much, by spending far too many hours "escaping life" on League of Legends, by venting/over-venting, writing, drinking, crying (a lot of crying), reading (hello, elephant journal), not enough running, and practicing yoga...

Thank you to those of you who were at my beck and call, who tried to understand me through my sobs, who talked me out of insanity, who reminded me of my value and worth, who realized I was stressed, who hugged me when I needed it most and who loved the shit out of me at my lowest points. I am so lucky and thankful and only hope I can make you feel even an ounce of the love you give me every day.

Happy Thanksgiving! May you be surrounded by those you love and cherish. You are all amazing and I'm so grateful to have each of you in my life, no matter how big or small of an impact you've had.

All my love, and then some more because I can never give enough,
Meaghan

PS - Some extra special love and thanks to LA, B-tran, 3g and Sparky

Scatter of the Brain

Hello, lovelies.

Press play on the song before reading.

I write whilst also writing a self-reflection paper on racism and ethnicity after a really, really long day. 

So much to write and so much to say, but my brain is everywhere right now.

• Bows and Arrows - KW's own Hunger Games?  W T F?
• Arrests at school - Lockdown completely unrelated to the other 11 "Secure and Holds" in town
• School and school and school - remind me why I'm doing this?
• To roommate or not to roommate? $$$
• Small Victory = Hugs were awesome today
• Big Victory once this g.d. paper is done = Oktoberfest is almost here

Now picture me dancing in the kitchen to this song. My neighbours (likely) think I'm insane.

It's 1am. I should probably finish this paper. Or sleep.

Good night. <3
Love muchly,
Megs

Summertime Sadness

I've left this window open for days... Possibly a week. I want to write, but I feel stuck. What's important? What is a key issue? What is something people want to read? Then I realized, it doesn't matter whether people are interested in what I have to say or not; writing is therapeutic for me and a way to confront the things I'm unable to say out loud.

Summer is hard for me. Everyone is always saying, "You're so lucky to have the summer off!" or "I'm so jealous!" and I understand where you're coming from... If I had kids to be off with, a consistent part-time summer gig or anything that was somewhat similar to a routine, I would be lucky and you would have every right to be jealous. Instead, I go through every range of emotion possible over two months. I go from being excruciatingly happy to be outside in the sun all day with the dog, working on my tan and/or garden/front yard (that never ends) to feelings of legitimate despair and worthlessness. I have so many plans for this life and I absolutely know and believe with my whole heart that I am meant for more. I have always always always felt this way and to work on this, I create lists; I create many, many to do lists. I have bucket lists, daily lists, Arbonne lists, cleaning lists, grocery lists, long term lists... and I find much satisfaction in crossing things off. However, when I'm not working and without a consistent schedule to keep me busy, I am the least motivated person in the world. I manifest the "do it tomorrow" attitude and it never comes. I usually put on weight, I play too many video games, I eat out of boredom, I cry wayyyy more than I usually do and I begin to feel like I'm simply not enough. And because I do all these things and let myself feel this way, I then get angry at myself for letting my life fall apart and not working towards the goals I have set out for myself. Vicious cycle.

I didn't get to come into summer full of joy either. As per my past few posts, I've had my fair share of dealing with some completely awful people this year: men who have disappeared (ghosting, as it's called because it happens so frequently that there's actually a TERM for it), men who have used me, men who taken advantage of me, men who have treated me as though I am nothing but gorgeous tits and a body to grind up to, cuddle up to, lay next to. 

Don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of amazing times this summer. I am blessed to have a cottage I can visit anytime and see the parentals, my brother and his wifey live in town and just had a third and gorgeous little baby girl and I got to go to a music festival in Montreal with two of my favourite people (as seen by the vomitting of photos on Instagram and Facebook). I guess I'm simply saying that I love having time off, I love having a (much needed) break, but that I'm horrible at motivating myself to do everything that needs to be/should be getting done and that often, at times, I feel like a lonely, worthless, bag of shit.

So, if I've seen you and my hug lingered a little longer than usual, it's because I really needed it and because I love you and I'm happy you're in my life.

Make sure to give an extra squeeze the next time we hug.

Much love and sunshine,
Megs

When I Give Up

I deleted Tinder today and sent messages to all the people I'd been going on dates with or talking to end things. I finally hit the point of exasperation care of how much work dating is. Trying to keep up and remember who said what or what so and so looks like and being busy every single day is draining. Additionally, when you do find someone you quasi-connect with, they simply end up disappointing you by not showing up, never responding or not having their shit together. The latter is even more exhausting, so I'm giving up on seeking out love. I refuse to be so dramatic as to say I'm giving up on it, as I know it's everywhere and all around me all the time, but in terms of dating someone to find love, I'm saying fuck it. 

For now. 
Love can find me when it's ready.

M

When You Give Me Up

You give up constant laughter over silly things, serious things, inappropriate things and you really lose out on bathroom humour.

You give up being able to share the best and the worst of yourself without judgement.

You give up a support system; someone who will be there for you no matter what, someone who will often put you first, someone who wants to take care of you.

You give up an amazing bedroom partner; someone who wants to share themselves with you as often as humanly possible.

You give up amazing conversation opportunities; from the mundane to the serious to the abstract, you'll miss out on those enlightening, hilarious, argumentative, passionate, un/comfortable moments.

You give up getting to know some of the most amazing people on the planet; this group of friends of mine is incomparable - they love, laugh, have fun, and they help me get over lying and cowardly douche bags.

You give up inclusion into one of the best families in the world; a family that will accept you simply because I love you and one that would give you anything you need - be it support, love, a place to stay, a hot tub session, or a beer. 

You give up your cuddle buddy, your best friend, your equal.

But most importantly, you give up compassion and love like you'll never know again. These two things I give freely, without restraint, without remorse, and often without thinking (which can be both an amazing trait and a terrible flaw).

When you give me up, you give up on the love of a lifetime, one that will not and cannot be replaced, and one that you may never even know that you've lost.

But now you know.

Love,
Meaghan

PS - Fuck you.

Me Vs. Me

Ever since I could write sentences, I've written in diaries. As I grew older, I seemed to outgrow writing (and reading) and replaced it with less meaningful things. I'm here right now because I keep saying I'll get back to writing and I keep putting it off and because I really need to. I'm sick of hearing myself talk and I'm tired of my mind not shutting off and I figured writing some of it down might help put my mind at ease.

Someone I've been seeing told me that I need to "have more self confidence" because I "have a lot to offer". This mantra has become self-talk lately because I know that I do, and yet I don't always believe it. It is a constant battle to know my self-worth, to put myself first and to follow my heart all at the same time. I acknowledge the things I have been through, the way I have been treated and yet I still have expectations that people I don't even know are out to get me or hurt me. I'm having a hard time leaving my past hurts there and am projecting them onto the new person in my life that I care for.  He had to cancel plans extremely last minute Thursday and apologized and shared my disappointment. Instead of letting it go, I sent a message the next morning saying I was "kinda pissed off" and that I wanted to talk it out as soon as we could. And... nothing. I have heard nothing. I regret and don't regret saying it as those were my feelings at the time, but I'm not pissed off with anyone except myself. I hate that I allow myself to feel this way. Now, I'm in limbo, just waiting... Will he text? Won't he? Did I scare him off with my claim of anger? Does he care? Did he change his mind about me overnight?

If I didn't have the amazing group of friends that I do, I think would have talked myself into madness by now with all the what ifs, whys and worries. I'm not crazy or needy; I'm simply used to being hurt and that's what I've come to expect. I'm still learning to trust that someone wouldn't intentionally do that to me.

It's SO hard to not say something right now.  
I just have to wait.
Let the universe do what it's going to do. 

Love,
Meaghan
PS - I'll probably end up saying something.