11 April 2015

When You Give Me Up

You give up constant laughter over silly things, serious things, inappropriate things and you really lose out on bathroom humour.

You give up being able to share the best and the worst of yourself without judgement.

You give up a support system; someone who will be there for you no matter what, someone who will often put you first, someone who wants to take care of you.

You give up an amazing bedroom partner; someone who wants to share themselves with you as often as humanly possible.

You give up amazing conversation opportunities; from the mundane to the serious to the abstract, you'll miss out on those enlightening, hilarious, argumentative, passionate, un/comfortable moments.

You give up getting to know some of the most amazing people on the planet; this group of friends of mine is incomparable - they love, laugh, have fun, and they help me get over lying and cowardly douche bags.

You give up inclusion into one of the best families in the world; a family that will accept you simply because I love you and one that would give you anything you need - be it support, love, a place to stay, a hot tub session, or a beer. 

You give up your cuddle buddy, your best friend, your equal.

But most importantly, you give up compassion and love like you'll never know again. These two things I give freely, without restraint, without remorse, and often without thinking (which can be both an amazing trait and a terrible flaw).

When you give me up, you give up on the love of a lifetime, one that will not and cannot be replaced, and one that you may never even know that you've lost.

But now you know.


PS - Fuck you.

04 April 2015

Me Vs. Me

Ever since I could write sentences, I've written in diaries. As I grew older, I seemed to outgrow writing (and reading) and replaced it with less meaningful things. I'm here right now because I keep saying I'll get back to writing and I keep putting it off and because I really need to. I'm sick of hearing myself talk and I'm tired of my mind not shutting off and I figured writing some of it down might help put my mind at ease.

Someone I've been seeing told me that I need to "have more self confidence" because I "have a lot to offer". This mantra has become self-talk lately because I know that I do, and yet I don't always believe it. It is a constant battle to know my self-worth, to put myself first and to follow my heart all at the same time. I acknowledge the things I have been through, the way I have been treated and yet I still have expectations that people I don't even know are out to get me or hurt me. I'm having a hard time leaving my past hurts there and am projecting them onto the new person in my life that I care for.  He had to cancel plans extremely last minute Thursday and apologized and shared my disappointment. Instead of letting it go, I sent a message the next morning saying I was "kinda pissed off" and that I wanted to talk it out as soon as we could. And... nothing. I have heard nothing. I regret and don't regret saying it as those were my feelings at the time, but I'm not pissed off with anyone except myself. I hate that I allow myself to feel this way. Now, I'm in limbo, just waiting... Will he text? Won't he? Did I scare him off with my claim of anger? Does he care? Did he change his mind about me overnight?

If I didn't have the amazing group of friends that I do, I think would have talked myself into madness by now with all the what ifs, whys and worries. I'm not crazy or needy; I'm simply used to being hurt and that's what I've come to expect. I'm still learning to trust that someone wouldn't intentionally do that to me.

It's SO hard to not say something right now.  
I just have to wait.
Let the universe do what it's going to do. 

PS - I'll probably end up saying something.