20 July 2017

Easier to Run

Another celebrity death today... another this year, this decade. And I am heart broken. I have been a Linkin Park fan since their first song came out, and I have blared their CDs as loud as I can ever since. Chester was my favourite member of the band, not only because of his ability to sing AND scream at the top of his lungs and still sound AMAZING, but because I loved his lyrics. They came from this deep, dark place and touched on emotions that not a lot of song writers have come close to doing. I also loved the shit out of his tattoos (and overall appearance). 

I'm sad because he's dead, and I'm really upset by the cause. Already today, I have read too many internet warriors claiming that suicide is the weak way to go, that it's cowardly, or that it's selfish. And to that, I respond, "fuck you". You have clearly never suffered through mental health issues, such as anxiety or depression, (and if you have, and you still think it's selfish, then I have no words for you). 

I want you to go back to the darkest time in your life and really remember how you felt, and then pretend that it never got better. Pretend that it got worse. Then, imagine that the only future you can see is one where being dead is better off than being alive. Picture that and the constant demons you have to battle. 

I know you're probably thinking, "Meaghan, what the fuck do YOU know about mental illness? You're pretty, you're skinny, you live with your boyfriend, you own a house, you have a job, you run your own business,  you're constantly posting pictures of all the amazing things in your life." And I do have an amazing life, one that I am beyond grateful for, but that was not always the case. Maybe one day I will go into detail about it, but for now, the long of the short is that I am a survivor of bullying, depression, sexual harassment, sexual assault, and that I used to hold blades to my arms with dreams of "saving" myself. I know how dark things are when you truly believe that death is better than what is coming. When you don't see a life beyond a certain age.

So, why is this a small victory? It's not. I'm not looking for the joy in suicide, I'm hoping that people use their empathy skills today and put away their judgments. I'm hoping people will remember that mental illness is an actual thing and that you have absolutely no idea what other people are going through, despite what their facebook/instagram suggests. Be kind to each other and love each other. That's what we all really need. Now, imagine me giving you a hug through the screen and for those of you going through a rough time, REACH OUT TO SOMEONE. You are not alone and you are loved, no matter what kind of head space you are in.

Much love and then a fucking shit ton more,

07 April 2017

The Value You Place On Yourself

On Tuesday, something that I'd never imagined before happened: I met with one of my mentors, my gurus, my magical entrepreneur crush. Yes, I had worked with her, but never had I been in a room BY MYSELF with her, with me as the focus. I wish I could emphasize how special I felt that out of the thousands of people within her business, she spent time on ME. Why? Because she knows my worth. And it wasn't until we spent an hour together, that all of the things I've simply thought about myself (but never said too much about), I said OUT LOUD, and I made them real. I made them true. Do you know what a relief it was to say those things and have them heard? And not just to say them out loud, but to have somebody else agree, that yes, of course, you are all of those things and more. 

Far too often, the value we places on ourselves is how we believe we are perceived by others. And to that, I now call, "bullshit". Strangers can pretend to perceive my worth based on my appearance, my music choices, the way I dance, the things I protest, anything I believe in. They can perceive my value based on their own insecurities or jealousy, but here's the thing; I'm the one who actually gets to decide my value. And good news for you! You get to decide yours too! 

What are the things that you know deep down to be true? The things you somewhat question about yourself, the things you think someone else would laugh about? Try saying those things out loud; to your reflection, your dog, your partner, your fish, the air! It doesn't matter. Put it out in the universe. And then say it again. And again. And again. And then it just is... It won't be a matter of belief, it just will BE.

Since Tuesday, I have had random people reach out to me, that I haven't spoken to in long periods of time, and I had genuine, amazing conversations with ALL of them, and I know that it is because of this shift in my thinking. My value. My worth. Knowing that I am meant for more.

Don't ever underestimate yourself. You are valuable in ways you've never spoken out loud about.

Peace, love, and compassion.