The Value You Place On Yourself

On Tuesday, something that I'd never imagined before happened: I met with one of my mentors, my gurus, my magical entrepreneur crush. Yes, I had worked with her, but never had I been in a room BY MYSELF with her, with me as the focus. I wish I could emphasize how special I felt that out of the thousands of people within her business, she spent time on ME. Why? Because she knows my worth. And it wasn't until we spent an hour together, that all of the things I've simply thought about myself (but never said too much about), I said OUT LOUD, and I made them real. I made them true. Do you know what a relief it was to say those things and have them heard? And not just to say them out loud, but to have somebody else agree, that yes, of course, you are all of those things and more. 

Far too often, the value we places on ourselves is how we believe we are perceived by others. And to that, I now call, "bullshit". Strangers can pretend to perceive my worth based on my appearance, my music choices, the way I dance, the things I protest, anything I believe in. They can perceive my value based on their own insecurities or jealousy, but here's the thing; I'm the one who actually gets to decide my value. And good news for you! You get to decide yours too! 

What are the things that you know deep down to be true? The things you somewhat question about yourself, the things you think someone else would laugh about? Try saying those things out loud; to your reflection, your dog, your partner, your fish, the air! It doesn't matter. Put it out in the universe. And then say it again. And again. And again. And then it just is... It won't be a matter of belief, it just will BE.

Since Tuesday, I have had random people reach out to me, that I haven't spoken to in long periods of time, and I had genuine, amazing conversations with ALL of them, and I know that it is because of this shift in my thinking. My value. My worth. Knowing that I am meant for more.

Don't ever underestimate yourself. You are valuable in ways you've never spoken out loud about.

Peace, love, and compassion.
M

Summertime Sadness

I've left this window open for days... Possibly a week. I want to write, but I feel stuck. What's important? What is a key issue? What is something people want to read? Then I realized, it doesn't matter whether people are interested in what I have to say or not; writing is therapeutic for me and a way to confront the things I'm unable to say out loud.

Summer is hard for me. Everyone is always saying, "You're so lucky to have the summer off!" or "I'm so jealous!" and I understand where you're coming from... If I had kids to be off with, a consistent part-time summer gig or anything that was somewhat similar to a routine, I would be lucky and you would have every right to be jealous. Instead, I go through every range of emotion possible over two months. I go from being excruciatingly happy to be outside in the sun all day with the dog, working on my tan and/or garden/front yard (that never ends) to feelings of legitimate despair and worthlessness. I have so many plans for this life and I absolutely know and believe with my whole heart that I am meant for more. I have always always always felt this way and to work on this, I create lists; I create many, many to do lists. I have bucket lists, daily lists, Arbonne lists, cleaning lists, grocery lists, long term lists... and I find much satisfaction in crossing things off. However, when I'm not working and without a consistent schedule to keep me busy, I am the least motivated person in the world. I manifest the "do it tomorrow" attitude and it never comes. I usually put on weight, I play too many video games, I eat out of boredom, I cry wayyyy more than I usually do and I begin to feel like I'm simply not enough. And because I do all these things and let myself feel this way, I then get angry at myself for letting my life fall apart and not working towards the goals I have set out for myself. Vicious cycle.

I didn't get to come into summer full of joy either. As per my past few posts, I've had my fair share of dealing with some completely awful people this year: men who have disappeared (ghosting, as it's called because it happens so frequently that there's actually a TERM for it), men who have used me, men who taken advantage of me, men who have treated me as though I am nothing but gorgeous tits and a body to grind up to, cuddle up to, lay next to. 

Don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of amazing times this summer. I am blessed to have a cottage I can visit anytime and see the parentals, my brother and his wifey live in town and just had a third and gorgeous little baby girl and I got to go to a music festival in Montreal with two of my favourite people (as seen by the vomitting of photos on Instagram and Facebook). I guess I'm simply saying that I love having time off, I love having a (much needed) break, but that I'm horrible at motivating myself to do everything that needs to be/should be getting done and that often, at times, I feel like a lonely, worthless, bag of shit.

So, if I've seen you and my hug lingered a little longer than usual, it's because I really needed it and because I love you and I'm happy you're in my life.

Make sure to give an extra squeeze the next time we hug.

Much love and sunshine,
Megs

When You Give Me Up

You give up constant laughter over silly things, serious things, inappropriate things and you really lose out on bathroom humour.

You give up being able to share the best and the worst of yourself without judgement.

You give up a support system; someone who will be there for you no matter what, someone who will often put you first, someone who wants to take care of you.

You give up an amazing bedroom partner; someone who wants to share themselves with you as often as humanly possible.

You give up amazing conversation opportunities; from the mundane to the serious to the abstract, you'll miss out on those enlightening, hilarious, argumentative, passionate, un/comfortable moments.

You give up getting to know some of the most amazing people on the planet; this group of friends of mine is incomparable - they love, laugh, have fun, and they help me get over lying and cowardly douche bags.

You give up inclusion into one of the best families in the world; a family that will accept you simply because I love you and one that would give you anything you need - be it support, love, a place to stay, a hot tub session, or a beer. 

You give up your cuddle buddy, your best friend, your equal.

But most importantly, you give up compassion and love like you'll never know again. These two things I give freely, without restraint, without remorse, and often without thinking (which can be both an amazing trait and a terrible flaw).

When you give me up, you give up on the love of a lifetime, one that will not and cannot be replaced, and one that you may never even know that you've lost.

But now you know.

Love,
Meaghan

PS - Fuck you.

Me Vs. Me

Ever since I could write sentences, I've written in diaries. As I grew older, I seemed to outgrow writing (and reading) and replaced it with less meaningful things. I'm here right now because I keep saying I'll get back to writing and I keep putting it off and because I really need to. I'm sick of hearing myself talk and I'm tired of my mind not shutting off and I figured writing some of it down might help put my mind at ease.

Someone I've been seeing told me that I need to "have more self confidence" because I "have a lot to offer". This mantra has become self-talk lately because I know that I do, and yet I don't always believe it. It is a constant battle to know my self-worth, to put myself first and to follow my heart all at the same time. I acknowledge the things I have been through, the way I have been treated and yet I still have expectations that people I don't even know are out to get me or hurt me. I'm having a hard time leaving my past hurts there and am projecting them onto the new person in my life that I care for.  He had to cancel plans extremely last minute Thursday and apologized and shared my disappointment. Instead of letting it go, I sent a message the next morning saying I was "kinda pissed off" and that I wanted to talk it out as soon as we could. And... nothing. I have heard nothing. I regret and don't regret saying it as those were my feelings at the time, but I'm not pissed off with anyone except myself. I hate that I allow myself to feel this way. Now, I'm in limbo, just waiting... Will he text? Won't he? Did I scare him off with my claim of anger? Does he care? Did he change his mind about me overnight?

If I didn't have the amazing group of friends that I do, I think would have talked myself into madness by now with all the what ifs, whys and worries. I'm not crazy or needy; I'm simply used to being hurt and that's what I've come to expect. I'm still learning to trust that someone wouldn't intentionally do that to me.

It's SO hard to not say something right now.  
I just have to wait.
Let the universe do what it's going to do. 

Love,
Meaghan
PS - I'll probably end up saying something.

Absenteeism

I've totally been a blogger absentee.  I know this.  I never said I would come back full time, though I wish I had the commitment in me to do so.  Most of my life I've always wanted to be a writer.  I missed the University application deadline when I was younger, so when I should have been going to UW for English, I applied to a couple of colleges and picked random programs that I figured I would have some sort of interest in (who the hell ACTUALLY knows what they want to do with their life at 18??) and LUCKILY, fell into something I happen to adore.  And am kind of good at.  You need have no doubt when you leave your children in my care.  Not only do I have over a decade (ahhh!) of experience with children, but I also have common sense, compassion, empathy and genuine love for those itty bitty dudes.  But, I digress. 

All of my life, I've wanted to be an author and I still believe I have time to do so.  I know the hardest part will be starting my book. Not only will choosing a topic be impossible (rom-com, auto-biography, self-help, what?!) I've totally become one of those "I'll start/do it tomorrow" people.  I kind of detest that.  As I also love to read, something I read caught my eye and has since become a bit of a personal mantra: If it takes less than two minutes to do it, just do it.  So, whether it's taking stuff downstairs from the top of the stairs, to emptying garbage out of my car, to sending a quick email, text or even a call, I just do it now.  It makes life that much easier (and less cluttered).

Anyway, I just wanted to write and say "hey".  I know it's been awhile.  Miss you, dudes.  I will try my hardest to make more frequent visits.

Love muchly.
em

New Year Wishes

I'm setting my goals extremely high for 2014.  I plan on it being the BEST YEAR TO DATE.  And I know that it's totally achievable!  Before the end of the year, I'll be setting up a few different POAs (Plans of Action) for different aspects of my life such as health and diet, Arbonne, and budget.  Within each of these will be various categories such as self-improvement, monthly, weekly and daily goal setting and many, many to do lists.  Those of you who know me, know my house is covered with these lists; they're EVERYYYYYYWHERE.  I love stroking things off these lists and I'm so very super excited for the new year.

Thank you all so much for your love and support of my blog over the past year(ish).  It means a lot that I have a lot of loyal followers and I am so very grateful for each and every single one of you.

Let's make 2014 your best one too!

All my love and then some,
Meaghan

Moving Forward!

So, for a zillion years, I've been wanting and (barely) trying to make a monthly newsletter for my Arbonne business.  Today, I finally finished it!  I'm super super pumped about it and hope that I can make it AMAZING and pretty and helpful to my clients.  I even found out how I can link a "subscribe to my newsletter" on here!  I'm going to try it and hope it works.  Feel free to be my guinea pigs.  Hope you are all well and that those of you out there Christmas shopping are almost done!  If you need some help picking things out, I'm your girl!

Subscribe to Meaghan's Monthly Newsletter!

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Have an amazing Friday!  I'm totally planning on catching up on sleep, laundry and cleaning!  

Much love!
Meaghan

The Body Speaks

I've been dealing with a variety of illnesses/plagues/inconveniences lately.  I think it's my body's way of saying "getting your shit together and get back into running!" as well as "stop eating those g.d. peanut butter chocolate bars and all that delicious chocolate granola from healthy foods and more!"  The cracked tooth care of the granola may also be suggesting that.  I'm working on it, body.  Just get rid of this last plague completely and I'll promise I'll be better to myself.

In other news, care of yoga, I touched my toes for the first time.  IN MY LIFE.  Small Victory?  Not quite.  I've been trying to reach those things for years.  Thank you, Beth, and my partner in crime, Gillian, for all the yoga amazingness.  Sundays are one of the best parts of my week.

I hope this evening finds you all well.
Love and love and then some,
M

Media and Mannequins

So today, I watched two videos that inspired me in very different, but very much the same ways.  The first video (see below) discussed how it's impossible to physically live up to media standards and how we will NEVER LOOK LIKE THE GIRLS IN ADS.  The second video was about the reactions of some disabled individuals seeing themselves made into mannequins.  

(I feel like I need to put a disclaimer out there:  YES, I am a model.  YES, I have done photoshoots and YES, they have been photoshopped.  However, I also work for an agency that brings in models of all shapes and sizes from all walks of life.  We are not all size 0s. In fact, most of us aren't, and this is why I feel like I can post the video below and have the negative feelings about the media and advertisements that I do.)

Cindy Crawford's comment about "I wish I looked like Cindy Crawford" really hit home for me.  The alterations and digital re-vamping done completely changes how these people look.  They end up not even looking like themselves!  As if it's not difficult enough to survive life without comparing yourself to those around you at work or school, but there's this impossible standard in the media that consumes us.  And it never ends.  I'm definitely working on letting things go; realizing that I won't have the body I had when I was 16 and that if I don't have abs, WHO ACTUALLY CARES?  As long as I am happy and healthy and taking care of myself, that should be enough.

The second video involved a few streams of tears.  While this comes as a complete shock to no one, it was an amazing watch that reiterated the importance of inclusion; that it's okay to look the way you look and that you should always be yourself.  The typical mannequin needs to invite some new buddies of different shapes, sizes and abilities into its store-front.

 

People With Disabilities React to Mannequins Created in Their Image

Ownership and New Year's Resolutions

It's been almost a month since I last logged on.  It's not that I haven't had anything to say, it's that I've let important things slide a little bit.  I'm a gamer, a nerd, a League of Legends addict... and sometimes (more often lately than not), I've let it get the best of me.  I have good, no, GREAT intentions of playing just two games a day and then all of a sudden, my entire evening is gone.  I haven't left my bed, I've been eating non-stop, I've let the house turn into a disaster and I've stop caring about things that are important to me; friendships/relationships, my business, my house and most importantly, myself.  

Tonight, I started examining my core values.  I was reading a blog, written by who I call my "Arbonne Crush", Deb Borges, and she was discussing core values.  No matter what people think or people say, do I let that change my core values?  Do I change who I am depending on who I surround myself with?  More often than not, YES.  I've just decided that one of the core values I want to focus on is OWNERSHIP.  I want to be accountable for my actions, my past ones, the ones I haven't yet made, and I want to learn from my mistakes and experiences.  I don't want to be owned by a computer game, I don't want to care what other people think, I want to be SUCCESSFUL, I want to dream, I want to stand up for my beliefs, and I want to love myself, flaws and all.

As New Year's approaches (it's not THAT far off, people), I want to come up with resolutions that are achievable and things I can be held accountable for.  However, I also think it's important that the resolutions aren't so super specific that there's only one way to do them.  How about "I want to take better care of myself" instead of "I want to lose 20 pounds"?  If I only lose 19, then I haven't achieved my resolution and I'll likely say "forget it" and probably put that weight back on.  (Emotional eater much?)

I hope this entry finds you well.  I will do my best to be back more often, and I'll totally take ownership if I'm not.  As always, thanks for reading.
Love muchly and then some,
Meaghan

Here is the link to Deb's blog: Alive and Empowered Blog

Fear and Loathing in Kitchener

The pain on the inside of my mouth has subsided...  aside from the one spot where I bit the inside of my cheek.  Turns out "You can eat immediately" does not mean "Eat immediately".  The coconut cookie bar (Healthy Foods and More: I both abhor and love you for this) was not eaten in a very classy way; coconut, chocolate and other crumbs in my car can attest to this.  Considering that half of my face was frozen until yesterday afternoon, I think I did okay.  I did bite my lip though and as it's a high traffic area, (care of my never-ending need to eat) it's quite raw and disgusting.  I don't really like people looking at me right now because I feel like it stands out and is the only thing you can see.  I don't like to feel ugly.  

There, I said it.  

Not shocking to any of you, I care what others think of me and my appearance constantly.  I read an article today claiming that selfie picture takers are all obnoxious, arrogant "please let me show you hot I am" douche bags.  Some of us selfie whores are just constantly seeking ACCEPTANCE because of our constant fear of rejection.

So many truths tonight.
Back to starting/finishing Catching Fire in a day.
Good night, friends.

xoxox,
Miss God
(refer to instagram for comprehension @meaghanls)

Excited for the Weekend!

Light-headed spells continued into the am.  They even woke me up a couple of times.  They make me question my sanity.  Honestly.  By the afternoon, they went away...  and thankfully!  I've been a touch cranky with my super loud children and I had to clean my house!  My new roomie moves in Saturday and my fam-jam is visiting Sunday!  I'm super pumped, but in between all of that, I also have a wedding in Toronto for one of my dearest friends that I've known since grade school. I am so so so excited for this wedding!  I'm going with my bestie and another friend from grade school, so it's going to be a super day.  Stress relief as well that my mom is coming in tomorrow to grab my poochie and dog-sit her.  No matter how cranky I get, I am always so grateful/thankful/appreciative for the people in my life.  For now, I go back to resting.  I got a bit of cleaning done, but am exhausted care of the past 36 hours.

Much love and thanks for reading!
Megs

Bed for the Win

Lots of light-headed spells today...   It's been awhile.  I'd hoped maybe they had ceased to exist.  Regardless, all plans cancelled for tonight and I don't plan on moving from my bed until tomorrow.

Much love,
M

Ps - That gd cactus part is still embedded in my finger.

Not Cool vs. Cool

Not cool:  Sticking my hand into a cactus, getting part of it stuck in the tip of my ring finger that I can't get out, even after many attempts with tweezers and even just trying to squeeze it from underneath.  Ouch.

Cool:  Got BBM.  Pin 7AD16549. Add me.  If I like you, I'll add you back.

Not cool:  Going to the dentist.

Cool: My dentist is hot and the receptionist is hysterical.  Got the morning off.  Also have benefits that only require me to pay $3!!

Sleep Deprived

I think care of lack of sleep (SINCE MARCH), my body is starting to fall apart.  I still haven't 100% kicked this cold, I have zero desire to do anything and I'm ready for bed at 8pm every night.  I'm about ready to take Caysee to every single vet in KW to figure out a solution to this bladder infection.  I just want a full night's sleep.  Hell, I'd be happy with even a HALF night's sleep.  And I just want a day where I don't have to clean up pee.  17 times.

I'm exhausted and cranky and just done.  Forgive my less than decent posts as of late and if you don't happen to see many in the very near future.

I hope everyone had an amazing long weekend!  I did.  I'm so lucky!

Much much love.
And then some more!
- M

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

I bought THE most beautiful dress today for a wedding I have later this month.  It is simply astounding; I cannot wait to wear it!  I feel like a little kid who just wants to wear it around the house because I love it so much.  Not only is it from one of my favourite stores, La Creme (not sure how to do accents on this laptop!), but it's worth over 500 dollars and I got it on sale for 99 (my dad would be proud)!  October 26th just needs to get here so I can see one of my favourite people get married while I wear my new favourite dress!

In addition to my new ball gown, it's also my most FAVOURITE weekend of the entire year!  Oktoberfesttttttttttttt!  Best ever.  I usually go tonight for opening festivities with Walter, but for the first time in a DECADE, I am going to a different venue instead.  No, it's not because I've outgrown Queensmount; it's because my usual crew of people couldn't come until tomorrow.  Next year, we'll go back to normal.  Also, Thanksgiving!!  I head up to the cottage Sunday for what promises to be simply gorgeous weather surrounded by people I adore.  AND it's a long weekend!  Like I could ask for anything more.
 
I hope everyone has an AMAZING AMAZING weekend!  I know I will!!
Love you all to pieces,
M

Chocolate

Exhaustion has set in and my day has been quite boring.  Work was great, as always, but I've basically spent my evening in bed because I've been far too tired to really do much else.

So today, my smallest victory will have been chocolate covered granola and quinoa.  Mmm!

Have an amazing night.
Love,
Meaghan

Almost Healthy

Good news, friends.  My cough is on its way out!  It's only taken three weeks,  but I'm finally getting there.  I'm hoping I'll be able to run by the end of the week.  All the weight I lost from my squats, planking and every other day runs will be shed yet again, and then some.

Oktoberfest this weekend!  I am so so so beyond pumped.  Favourite night of the year FOR SURE!  And I just recruited three more of my favourite people to go.  Then, off to the cottage for Thanksgiving with the fam jam and friends.  I can't wait.

Super short entry, but the cough starting to dwindle is a huge victory!  And Oktoberfest...  well, that's my xmas.   And long weekends are just heaven sent.

Much love,
M

Dodge, Dip, Dive, Duck and Dodge

Almost every Monday night, I come home with a pain in my shoulder.  And every Monday night, I totally don't care!  No matter how I throw or what I do, I always manage to pull out my shoulder every single time I play dodgeball.  On the drive home tonight, (after an INTENSE game where we totally came back from a 7-2 lead to an 8-7 win - GO US!!!), I questioned whether when my arm may or may not be of any use to me when I'm older, will it have been worth it?  I mean, in spite of the intense competitiveness (Eric) and the immense swearing (Leo) and the rude claiming "I don't have eyes in the back of my head!!!" (me), I love this fucking game and the people I play it with.  In 50 minutes, we get an intense work out, sometimes intense drama, lots of laughter, swearing, cheering, yelling, scrapes, pulled muscles, black eyes...  and I love it.  

Huge love and thanks to my team!  
It wouldn't be the same without you.
Love,
Your Team Captain
xox

Don't Speak, Unless What You Have To Say is More Beautiful Than Silence

Last night even I was speechless.  And enraged.  So, it was a good idea for me to steer clear of any form of writing.  I simply just do not understand why people's brains often work the way they do, when all forms of common sense and human decency are erased.  And the selfishness!  Even though other people claim their reasoning behind what they did is for your benefit.  Please. 

The butterflies died last night.  I had a really great chat last week where I was able to discuss my feelings and expectations, and the next day, I knew in my gut that it was the beginning of the end.  I had high hopes, as I always do, but they died too.  One of the things that hurts is that I feel like I have so much love to give, but that no one wants it.  I don't get it.  

In some of the early butterfly chats, I would always be apologizing for this and that, and I was told to "stop apologizing".  To be honest, I'd never realized I was doing it.  Last night, at Arbonne training (after I was awarded my gorgeous earrings!!), a woman got up to speak and was waiting for the room to quiet down.  As one of my friends finished up her convo, she said "sorry!" and the woman replied "don't ever apologize.  Apologizing devalues who you are as a person.  You can make mistakes, but don't apologize for them."  So, maybe that's what this was for me; another lesson learned about who I am and that I should never apologize for it.  And if you don't want all I have to give, then you don't deserve it anyway.

I have a lot of amazing ideas for entries in the future...  a lot that focus on personal growth and improving your own situation; the way that I strive to improve mine every day.

I expect to bounce back in no time at all.

In the mean time, I've got a gala to attend with the best and most reliable date ever.

Much love my friends.
M