Ever since I could write sentences, I've written in diaries. As I grew older, I seemed to outgrow writing (and reading) and replaced it with less meaningful things. I'm here right now because I keep saying I'll get back to writing and I keep putting it off and because I really need to. I'm sick of hearing myself talk and I'm tired of my mind not shutting off and I figured writing some of it down might help put my mind at ease.
Someone I've been seeing told me that I need to "have more self confidence" because I "have a lot to offer". This mantra has become self-talk lately because I know that I do, and yet I don't always believe it. It is a constant battle to know my self-worth, to put myself first and to follow my heart all at the same time. I acknowledge the things I have been through, the way I have been treated and yet I still have expectations that people I don't even know are out to get me or hurt me. I'm having a hard time leaving my past hurts there and am projecting them onto the new person in my life that I care for. He had to cancel plans extremely last minute Thursday and apologized and shared my disappointment. Instead of letting it go, I sent a message the next morning saying I was "kinda pissed off" and that I wanted to talk it out as soon as we could. And... nothing. I have heard nothing. I regret and don't regret saying it as those were my feelings at the time, but I'm not pissed off with anyone except myself. I hate that I allow myself to feel this way. Now, I'm in limbo, just waiting... Will he text? Won't he? Did I scare him off with my claim of anger? Does he care? Did he change his mind about me overnight?
If I didn't have the amazing group of friends that I do, I think would have talked myself into madness by now with all the what ifs, whys and worries. I'm not crazy or needy; I'm simply used to being hurt and that's what I've come to expect. I'm still learning to trust that someone wouldn't intentionally do that to me.
It's SO hard to not say something right now.
I just have to wait.
Let the universe do what it's going to do.
Love,
Meaghan
PS - I'll probably end up saying something.
Showing posts with label self help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self help. Show all posts
04 April 2015
05 August 2013
I'm Back!!!
...maybe.
I know I left abruptly, but I was having a really, really hard time seeing the positive in ANY day, much less every day... and I just felt like I would be lying to my readers (and myself), if I tried to pretend that there was anything overly amazing going on.
Fortunately, I have discovered my love for life and everything around me again (from the big to the small). I am grateful to so many people for their constant support, my re-found ability to stop suffering at the hands of someone else and to start dismissing people that impact me negatively from my life. I am still working on the latter, but there were a few toxic individuals that I would dread seeing; those that I had to pretend to like when I was around them and who treated me horribly despite my effort to be kind and feign an interest during our five minute interactions.
I've been reading a lot of books lately that have helped me focus on myself, my fears and my self-confidence. Since last year, I have also gotten an amazing new job and started my own business as a consultant for a health and wellness company. I am constantly surrounding myself with people who are positive, loving life and who want me to be the best me that I can be. Cheese aside, I am so so so lucky and thankful every day to be around people that impact me in such a profound way.
I had a huge chat with two of my favourite people today (on the beach!!) on ways we can each improve our own lives and try to figure out what it is that we want from this life. I know that I am meant for more than the ordinary. I have never seen myself as the type to grow up, get married, have children, have grandchildren and then just die. There is absolutely not one single thing wrong with that life; but I know that there is more out there for me and I am working to figure out what that is! Part of our chat today happened due to a cd I was just listening to. Robin Sharma, though I'm not overly a huge fan of his work (his "Guide to Greatness" (so far) is doing very little for me), however, he did suggest taking ten things that you love to do, that you have a passion for, and spending the next ten weeks doing an hour of one of those things every single day. I am still working on my list, but so far I have come up with:
1) Writing
2) Reading
3) Singing
4) Dancing
5) Eating
Currently, I am working on number one, spending an hour every day this week writing, which is why I'm here! I can't promise I'll be here every single day, but I want to be and I will absolutely work towards it. One of my aspirations in life (and has been since I first put pen to paper) is to write a book, so I may be spending time on that as well. I have to say, I'm really looking forward to finishing my list and spending time doing these things (I can't wait for singing and dancing).
What would be on your list?
I hope to see you tomorrow!
Thank you, as always, for reading, and for your support.
Much love and I hope you are all enjoying your summer!
Love,
M
PS - edit: The "normal" lifestyle I was talking about is something I still want too. I meant IN ADDITION to getting married and having babies and all that jazz, I know there is more out there for me. xox.
I know I left abruptly, but I was having a really, really hard time seeing the positive in ANY day, much less every day... and I just felt like I would be lying to my readers (and myself), if I tried to pretend that there was anything overly amazing going on.
Fortunately, I have discovered my love for life and everything around me again (from the big to the small). I am grateful to so many people for their constant support, my re-found ability to stop suffering at the hands of someone else and to start dismissing people that impact me negatively from my life. I am still working on the latter, but there were a few toxic individuals that I would dread seeing; those that I had to pretend to like when I was around them and who treated me horribly despite my effort to be kind and feign an interest during our five minute interactions.
I've been reading a lot of books lately that have helped me focus on myself, my fears and my self-confidence. Since last year, I have also gotten an amazing new job and started my own business as a consultant for a health and wellness company. I am constantly surrounding myself with people who are positive, loving life and who want me to be the best me that I can be. Cheese aside, I am so so so lucky and thankful every day to be around people that impact me in such a profound way.
I had a huge chat with two of my favourite people today (on the beach!!) on ways we can each improve our own lives and try to figure out what it is that we want from this life. I know that I am meant for more than the ordinary. I have never seen myself as the type to grow up, get married, have children, have grandchildren and then just die. There is absolutely not one single thing wrong with that life; but I know that there is more out there for me and I am working to figure out what that is! Part of our chat today happened due to a cd I was just listening to. Robin Sharma, though I'm not overly a huge fan of his work (his "Guide to Greatness" (so far) is doing very little for me), however, he did suggest taking ten things that you love to do, that you have a passion for, and spending the next ten weeks doing an hour of one of those things every single day. I am still working on my list, but so far I have come up with:
1) Writing
2) Reading
3) Singing
4) Dancing
5) Eating
Currently, I am working on number one, spending an hour every day this week writing, which is why I'm here! I can't promise I'll be here every single day, but I want to be and I will absolutely work towards it. One of my aspirations in life (and has been since I first put pen to paper) is to write a book, so I may be spending time on that as well. I have to say, I'm really looking forward to finishing my list and spending time doing these things (I can't wait for singing and dancing).
What would be on your list?
I hope to see you tomorrow!
Thank you, as always, for reading, and for your support.
Much love and I hope you are all enjoying your summer!
Love,
M
PS - edit: The "normal" lifestyle I was talking about is something I still want too. I meant IN ADDITION to getting married and having babies and all that jazz, I know there is more out there for me. xox.
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