Another celebrity death today... another this year, this decade. And I am heart broken. I have been a Linkin Park fan since their first song came out, and I have blared their CDs as loud as I can ever since. Chester was my favourite member of the band, not only because of his ability to sing AND scream at the top of his lungs and still sound AMAZING, but because I loved his lyrics. They came from this deep, dark place and touched on emotions that not a lot of song writers have come close to doing. I also loved the shit out of his tattoos (and overall appearance). I'm sad because he's dead, and I'm really upset by the cause. Already today, I have read too many internet warriors claiming that suicide is the weak way to go, that it's cowardly, or that it's selfish. And to that, I respond, "fuck you". You have clearly never suffered through mental health issues, such as anxiety or depression, (and if you have, and you still think it's selfish, then I have no words for you). I want you to go back to the darkest time in your life and really remember how you felt, and then pretend that it never got better. Pretend that it got worse. Then, imagine that the only future you can see is one where being dead is better off than being alive. Picture that and the constant demons you have to battle. I know you're probably thinking, "Meaghan, what the fuck do YOU know about mental illness? You're pretty, you're skinny, you live with your boyfriend, you own a house, you have a job, you run your own business, you're constantly posting pictures of all the amazing things in your life." And I do have an amazing life, one that I am beyond grateful for, but that was not always the case. Maybe one day I will go into detail about it, but for now, the long of the short is that I am a survivor of bullying, depression, sexual harassment, sexual assault, and that I used to hold blades to my arms with dreams of "saving" myself. I know how dark things are when you truly believe that death is better than what is coming. When you don't see a life beyond a certain age. So, why is this a small victory? It's not. I'm not looking for the joy in suicide, I'm hoping that people use their empathy skills today and put away their judgments. I'm hoping people will remember that mental illness is an actual thing and that you have absolutely no idea what other people are going through, despite what their facebook/instagram suggests. Be kind to each other and love each other. That's what we all really need. Now, imagine me giving you a hug through the screen and for those of you going through a rough time, REACH OUT TO SOMEONE. You are not alone and you are loved, no matter what kind of head space you are in. Much love and then a fucking shit ton more, M
Last night even I was speechless. And enraged. So, it was a good idea for me to steer clear of any form of writing. I simply just do not understand why people's brains often work the way they do, when all forms of common sense and human decency are erased. And the selfishness! Even though other people claim their reasoning behind what they did is for your benefit. Please.
The butterflies died last night. I had a really great chat last week where I was able to discuss my feelings and expectations, and the next day, I knew in my gut that it was the beginning of the end. I had high hopes, as I always do, but they died too. One of the things that hurts is that I feel like I have so much love to give, but that no one wants it. I don't get it.
In some of the early butterfly chats, I would always be apologizing for this and that, and I was told to "stop apologizing". To be honest, I'd never realized I was doing it. Last night, at Arbonne training (after I was awarded my gorgeous earrings!!), a woman got up to speak and was waiting for the room to quiet down. As one of my friends finished up her convo, she said "sorry!" and the woman replied "don't ever apologize. Apologizing devalues who you are as a person. You can make mistakes, but don't apologize for them." So, maybe that's what this was for me; another lesson learned about who I am and that I should never apologize for it. And if you don't want all I have to give, then you don't deserve it anyway. I have a lot of amazing ideas for entries in the future... a lot that focus on personal growth and improving your own situation; the way that I strive to improve mine every day.
I expect to bounce back in no time at all. In the mean time, I've got a gala to attend with the best and most reliable date ever. Much love my friends. M
