I've left this window open for days... Possibly a week. I want to write, but I feel stuck. What's important? What is a key issue? What is something people want to read? Then I realized, it doesn't matter whether people are interested in what I have to say or not; writing is therapeutic for me and a way to confront the things I'm unable to say out loud. Summer is hard for me. Everyone is always saying, "You're so lucky to have the summer off!" or "I'm so jealous!" and I understand where you're coming from... If I had kids to be off with, a consistent part-time summer gig or anything that was somewhat similar to a routine, I would be lucky and you would have every right to be jealous. Instead, I go through every range of emotion possible over two months. I go from being excruciatingly happy to be outside in the sun all day with the dog, working on my tan and/or garden/front yard (that never ends) to feelings of legitimate despair and worthlessness. I have so many plans for this life and I absolutely know and believe with my whole heart that I am meant for more. I have always always always felt this way and to work on this, I create lists; I create many, many to do lists. I have bucket lists, daily lists, Arbonne lists, cleaning lists, grocery lists, long term lists... and I find much satisfaction in crossing things off. However, when I'm not working and without a consistent schedule to keep me busy, I am the least motivated person in the world. I manifest the "do it tomorrow" attitude and it never comes. I usually put on weight, I play too many video games, I eat out of boredom, I cry wayyyy more than I usually do and I begin to feel like I'm simply not enough. And because I do all these things and let myself feel this way, I then get angry at myself for letting my life fall apart and not working towards the goals I have set out for myself. Vicious cycle. I didn't get to come into summer full of joy either. As per my past few posts, I've had my fair share of dealing with some completely awful people this year: men who have disappeared (ghosting, as it's called because it happens so frequently that there's actually a TERM for it), men who have used me, men who taken advantage of me, men who have treated me as though I am nothing but gorgeous tits and a body to grind up to, cuddle up to, lay next to. Don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of amazing times this summer. I am blessed to have a cottage I can visit anytime and see the parentals, my brother and his wifey live in town and just had a third and gorgeous little baby girl and I got to go to a music festival in Montreal with two of my favourite people (as seen by the vomitting of photos on Instagram and Facebook). I guess I'm simply saying that I love having time off, I love having a (much needed) break, but that I'm horrible at motivating myself to do everything that needs to be/should be getting done and that often, at times, I feel like a lonely, worthless, bag of shit. So, if I've seen you and my hug lingered a little longer than usual, it's because I really needed it and because I love you and I'm happy you're in my life. Make sure to give an extra squeeze the next time we hug. Much love and sunshine, Megs
This morning my brother, nephew and I ventured to Steckle Farms, where one of my friends (and his fam jam) pretty much run the place. We talked animals, gardens, vegetables, wet lands, fruit, bees, honey and basically anything farm related. Additionally, we saw a cow, goats, pigs, piglets, horses, chickens, roosters, sheep, llamas, etc, etc... I was pretty much on a high all day just from that! But then I went and saw a movie with a friend and then had dinner with another great friend. Such a good social day. I've been trying to see/actually talk with at least one person/friend every day because I miss those genuine connections not found via text/email/facebook. They're great, and I'm totally a social media queen slash texter extraordinaire, but there is nothing like a voice or face to face... Face to face usually ends in a hug, of which I am a huge, huge, HUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE fan! However, the introvert in me (and I really only discovered what it meant to be introverted last year reading Quiet, a book I'd intended to give someone else as a good-bye present (SUCH A GREAT BOOK; sorry but not sorry that I kept it!)) was exhausted. I basically got home, let the dog out, threw on my jammies and crawled into bed. And here I am. Did I spend my hour writing? Maybe not all in one place, but probably. Did I do all my squats? I hit 80. And for a tired soul like myself, that is good enough. Sweet dreams, my loves. Meaghan
...maybe. I know I left abruptly, but I was having a really, really hard time seeing the positive in ANY day, much less every day... and I just felt like I would be lying to my readers (and myself), if I tried to pretend that there was anything overly amazing going on. Fortunately, I have discovered my love for life and everything around me again (from the big to the small). I am grateful to so many people for their constant support, my re-found ability to stop suffering at the hands of someone else and to start dismissing people that impact me negatively from my life. I am still working on the latter, but there were a few toxic individuals that I would dread seeing; those that I had to pretend to like when I was around them and who treated me horribly despite my effort to be kind and feign an interest during our five minute interactions. I've been reading a lot of books lately that have helped me focus on myself, my fears and my self-confidence. Since last year, I have also gotten an amazing new job and started my own business as a consultant for a health and wellness company. I am constantly surrounding myself with people who are positive, loving life and who want me to be the best me that I can be. Cheese aside, I am so so so lucky and thankful every day to be around people that impact me in such a profound way. I had a huge chat with two of my favourite people today (on the beach!!) on ways we can each improve our own lives and try to figure out what it is that we want from this life. I know that I am meant for more than the ordinary. I have never seen myself as the type to grow up, get married, have children, have grandchildren and then just die. There is absolutely not one single thing wrong with that life; but I know that there is more out there for me and I am working to figure out what that is! Part of our chat today happened due to a cd I was just listening to. Robin Sharma, though I'm not overly a huge fan of his work (his "Guide to Greatness" (so far) is doing very little for me), however, he did suggest taking ten things that you love to do, that you have a passion for, and spending the next ten weeks doing an hour of one of those things every single day. I am still working on my list, but so far I have come up with: 1) Writing 2) Reading 3) Singing 4) Dancing 5) Eating Currently, I am working on number one, spending an hour every day this week writing, which is why I'm here! I can't promise I'll be here every single day, but I want to be and I will absolutely work towards it. One of my aspirations in life (and has been since I first put pen to paper) is to write a book, so I may be spending time on that as well. I have to say, I'm really looking forward to finishing my list and spending time doing these things (I can't wait for singing and dancing). What would be on your list?
I hope to see you tomorrow! Thank you, as always, for reading, and for your support. Much love and I hope you are all enjoying your summer! Love, M
PS - edit: The "normal" lifestyle I was talking about is something I still want too. I meant IN ADDITION to getting married and having babies and all that jazz, I know there is more out there for me. xox.
