Easier to Run

Another celebrity death today... another this year, this decade. And I am heart broken. I have been a Linkin Park fan since their first song came out, and I have blared their CDs as loud as I can ever since. Chester was my favourite member of the band, not only because of his ability to sing AND scream at the top of his lungs and still sound AMAZING, but because I loved his lyrics. They came from this deep, dark place and touched on emotions that not a lot of song writers have come close to doing. I also loved the shit out of his tattoos (and overall appearance). 

I'm sad because he's dead, and I'm really upset by the cause. Already today, I have read too many internet warriors claiming that suicide is the weak way to go, that it's cowardly, or that it's selfish. And to that, I respond, "fuck you". You have clearly never suffered through mental health issues, such as anxiety or depression, (and if you have, and you still think it's selfish, then I have no words for you). 

I want you to go back to the darkest time in your life and really remember how you felt, and then pretend that it never got better. Pretend that it got worse. Then, imagine that the only future you can see is one where being dead is better off than being alive. Picture that and the constant demons you have to battle. 

I know you're probably thinking, "Meaghan, what the fuck do YOU know about mental illness? You're pretty, you're skinny, you live with your boyfriend, you own a house, you have a job, you run your own business,  you're constantly posting pictures of all the amazing things in your life." And I do have an amazing life, one that I am beyond grateful for, but that was not always the case. Maybe one day I will go into detail about it, but for now, the long of the short is that I am a survivor of bullying, depression, sexual harassment, sexual assault, and that I used to hold blades to my arms with dreams of "saving" myself. I know how dark things are when you truly believe that death is better than what is coming. When you don't see a life beyond a certain age.

So, why is this a small victory? It's not. I'm not looking for the joy in suicide, I'm hoping that people use their empathy skills today and put away their judgments. I'm hoping people will remember that mental illness is an actual thing and that you have absolutely no idea what other people are going through, despite what their facebook/instagram suggests. Be kind to each other and love each other. That's what we all really need. Now, imagine me giving you a hug through the screen and for those of you going through a rough time, REACH OUT TO SOMEONE. You are not alone and you are loved, no matter what kind of head space you are in.

Much love and then a fucking shit ton more,
M

The Value You Place On Yourself

On Tuesday, something that I'd never imagined before happened: I met with one of my mentors, my gurus, my magical entrepreneur crush. Yes, I had worked with her, but never had I been in a room BY MYSELF with her, with me as the focus. I wish I could emphasize how special I felt that out of the thousands of people within her business, she spent time on ME. Why? Because she knows my worth. And it wasn't until we spent an hour together, that all of the things I've simply thought about myself (but never said too much about), I said OUT LOUD, and I made them real. I made them true. Do you know what a relief it was to say those things and have them heard? And not just to say them out loud, but to have somebody else agree, that yes, of course, you are all of those things and more. 

Far too often, the value we places on ourselves is how we believe we are perceived by others. And to that, I now call, "bullshit". Strangers can pretend to perceive my worth based on my appearance, my music choices, the way I dance, the things I protest, anything I believe in. They can perceive my value based on their own insecurities or jealousy, but here's the thing; I'm the one who actually gets to decide my value. And good news for you! You get to decide yours too! 

What are the things that you know deep down to be true? The things you somewhat question about yourself, the things you think someone else would laugh about? Try saying those things out loud; to your reflection, your dog, your partner, your fish, the air! It doesn't matter. Put it out in the universe. And then say it again. And again. And again. And then it just is... It won't be a matter of belief, it just will BE.

Since Tuesday, I have had random people reach out to me, that I haven't spoken to in long periods of time, and I had genuine, amazing conversations with ALL of them, and I know that it is because of this shift in my thinking. My value. My worth. Knowing that I am meant for more.

Don't ever underestimate yourself. You are valuable in ways you've never spoken out loud about.

Peace, love, and compassion.
M

Musical Amazement of 2015

For anyone who knows me, you know that for the most part, I've usually got music on... of all styles, genres, eras and whatnot. (Mostly for myself) I've decided to make a list of my favourite albums I discovered this year and then my top songs. Each album took hours of my time, but each specific song likely took up days. When I find one I love, hello, repeat. My songs of the year are  a) songs with amazing beats that are fun to dance to (especially in the car), b) fun to sing to (especially in the car at the top of my lungs, also while dancing), or c) can be attributed to specific moments or events of the year that hold much significance. A large brunt of them stem from Osheaga, the event highlight of my year. Other songs like Sia's and Selena's were "fuck you" songs directed at men who did me wrong and anything else was simply a song that touched something within me, my heart, or was simply just a fucking awesome song (thanks, Biebs). See below for a taste via YouTube.

Meaghan's Favourite Albums of the Year:

Broods – Evergreen

Iggy Azalea – The New Classic

Kid Ink – Full Speed

Lana Del Rey – Ultraviolence

Marina and the Diamonds - FROOT

Mumford and Sons – Wilder Mind

Of Monsters and Men – Beneath the Skin

Taylor Swift - 1989

Tove Lo – Queen of the Clouds

Meaghan's Favourite Songs of the Year:

Broods – Bridges

The Chemical Brothers - Go

Coldplay – Adventure of a Lifetime

Disclosure - Omen

Drake – 10 Bands

Florence + the Machine – Queen of Peace

Justin Bieber - Sorry

Kardinal Offishall – That Chick Right There

Kid Ink – Diamonds and Gold

Lana Del Rey – High By the Beach

Major Lazer – Lean On

Metric – The Shade, Too Bad So Sad, Lies Lies Lies, For Kicks

Of Monsters and Men – I of the Storm

Prince Royce – Stuck on a Feeling

Rihanna – Bitch Better Have My Money

Selena Gomez – Same Old Love

Sia – Elastic Love

Tove Lo – Thousand Miles

Vance Joy – Riptides, Fire and the Flood

The Weeknd – I Can’t Feel My Face

X Ambassadors - Renegades

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for every one of our encounters, every one of the lessons I've been taught (and am still learning!), and the love/like/dislike/disconnect/reconnections I've had this year.

I've had a lot of uphill battles in 2015, from broken hearts to biting dogs to contemplating selling the house to feelings of self-loathing and dealing with much of this by not eating, by eating too much, by spending far too many hours "escaping life" on League of Legends, by venting/over-venting, writing, drinking, crying (a lot of crying), reading (hello, elephant journal), not enough running, and practicing yoga...

Thank you to those of you who were at my beck and call, who tried to understand me through my sobs, who talked me out of insanity, who reminded me of my value and worth, who realized I was stressed, who hugged me when I needed it most and who loved the shit out of me at my lowest points. I am so lucky and thankful and only hope I can make you feel even an ounce of the love you give me every day.

Happy Thanksgiving! May you be surrounded by those you love and cherish. You are all amazing and I'm so grateful to have each of you in my life, no matter how big or small of an impact you've had.

All my love, and then some more because I can never give enough,
Meaghan

PS - Some extra special love and thanks to LA, B-tran, 3g and Sparky

Scatter of the Brain

Hello, lovelies.

Press play on the song before reading.

I write whilst also writing a self-reflection paper on racism and ethnicity after a really, really long day. 

So much to write and so much to say, but my brain is everywhere right now.

• Bows and Arrows - KW's own Hunger Games?  W T F?
• Arrests at school - Lockdown completely unrelated to the other 11 "Secure and Holds" in town
• School and school and school - remind me why I'm doing this?
• To roommate or not to roommate? $$$
• Small Victory = Hugs were awesome today
• Big Victory once this g.d. paper is done = Oktoberfest is almost here

Now picture me dancing in the kitchen to this song. My neighbours (likely) think I'm insane.

It's 1am. I should probably finish this paper. Or sleep.

Good night. <3
Love muchly,
Megs

Summertime Sadness

I've left this window open for days... Possibly a week. I want to write, but I feel stuck. What's important? What is a key issue? What is something people want to read? Then I realized, it doesn't matter whether people are interested in what I have to say or not; writing is therapeutic for me and a way to confront the things I'm unable to say out loud.

Summer is hard for me. Everyone is always saying, "You're so lucky to have the summer off!" or "I'm so jealous!" and I understand where you're coming from... If I had kids to be off with, a consistent part-time summer gig or anything that was somewhat similar to a routine, I would be lucky and you would have every right to be jealous. Instead, I go through every range of emotion possible over two months. I go from being excruciatingly happy to be outside in the sun all day with the dog, working on my tan and/or garden/front yard (that never ends) to feelings of legitimate despair and worthlessness. I have so many plans for this life and I absolutely know and believe with my whole heart that I am meant for more. I have always always always felt this way and to work on this, I create lists; I create many, many to do lists. I have bucket lists, daily lists, Arbonne lists, cleaning lists, grocery lists, long term lists... and I find much satisfaction in crossing things off. However, when I'm not working and without a consistent schedule to keep me busy, I am the least motivated person in the world. I manifest the "do it tomorrow" attitude and it never comes. I usually put on weight, I play too many video games, I eat out of boredom, I cry wayyyy more than I usually do and I begin to feel like I'm simply not enough. And because I do all these things and let myself feel this way, I then get angry at myself for letting my life fall apart and not working towards the goals I have set out for myself. Vicious cycle.

I didn't get to come into summer full of joy either. As per my past few posts, I've had my fair share of dealing with some completely awful people this year: men who have disappeared (ghosting, as it's called because it happens so frequently that there's actually a TERM for it), men who have used me, men who taken advantage of me, men who have treated me as though I am nothing but gorgeous tits and a body to grind up to, cuddle up to, lay next to. 

Don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of amazing times this summer. I am blessed to have a cottage I can visit anytime and see the parentals, my brother and his wifey live in town and just had a third and gorgeous little baby girl and I got to go to a music festival in Montreal with two of my favourite people (as seen by the vomitting of photos on Instagram and Facebook). I guess I'm simply saying that I love having time off, I love having a (much needed) break, but that I'm horrible at motivating myself to do everything that needs to be/should be getting done and that often, at times, I feel like a lonely, worthless, bag of shit.

So, if I've seen you and my hug lingered a little longer than usual, it's because I really needed it and because I love you and I'm happy you're in my life.

Make sure to give an extra squeeze the next time we hug.

Much love and sunshine,
Megs

When I Give Up

I deleted Tinder today and sent messages to all the people I'd been going on dates with or talking to end things. I finally hit the point of exasperation care of how much work dating is. Trying to keep up and remember who said what or what so and so looks like and being busy every single day is draining. Additionally, when you do find someone you quasi-connect with, they simply end up disappointing you by not showing up, never responding or not having their shit together. The latter is even more exhausting, so I'm giving up on seeking out love. I refuse to be so dramatic as to say I'm giving up on it, as I know it's everywhere and all around me all the time, but in terms of dating someone to find love, I'm saying fuck it. 

For now. 
Love can find me when it's ready.

M

When You Give Me Up

You give up constant laughter over silly things, serious things, inappropriate things and you really lose out on bathroom humour.

You give up being able to share the best and the worst of yourself without judgement.

You give up a support system; someone who will be there for you no matter what, someone who will often put you first, someone who wants to take care of you.

You give up an amazing bedroom partner; someone who wants to share themselves with you as often as humanly possible.

You give up amazing conversation opportunities; from the mundane to the serious to the abstract, you'll miss out on those enlightening, hilarious, argumentative, passionate, un/comfortable moments.

You give up getting to know some of the most amazing people on the planet; this group of friends of mine is incomparable - they love, laugh, have fun, and they help me get over lying and cowardly douche bags.

You give up inclusion into one of the best families in the world; a family that will accept you simply because I love you and one that would give you anything you need - be it support, love, a place to stay, a hot tub session, or a beer. 

You give up your cuddle buddy, your best friend, your equal.

But most importantly, you give up compassion and love like you'll never know again. These two things I give freely, without restraint, without remorse, and often without thinking (which can be both an amazing trait and a terrible flaw).

When you give me up, you give up on the love of a lifetime, one that will not and cannot be replaced, and one that you may never even know that you've lost.

But now you know.

Love,
Meaghan

PS - Fuck you.

Me Vs. Me

Ever since I could write sentences, I've written in diaries. As I grew older, I seemed to outgrow writing (and reading) and replaced it with less meaningful things. I'm here right now because I keep saying I'll get back to writing and I keep putting it off and because I really need to. I'm sick of hearing myself talk and I'm tired of my mind not shutting off and I figured writing some of it down might help put my mind at ease.

Someone I've been seeing told me that I need to "have more self confidence" because I "have a lot to offer". This mantra has become self-talk lately because I know that I do, and yet I don't always believe it. It is a constant battle to know my self-worth, to put myself first and to follow my heart all at the same time. I acknowledge the things I have been through, the way I have been treated and yet I still have expectations that people I don't even know are out to get me or hurt me. I'm having a hard time leaving my past hurts there and am projecting them onto the new person in my life that I care for.  He had to cancel plans extremely last minute Thursday and apologized and shared my disappointment. Instead of letting it go, I sent a message the next morning saying I was "kinda pissed off" and that I wanted to talk it out as soon as we could. And... nothing. I have heard nothing. I regret and don't regret saying it as those were my feelings at the time, but I'm not pissed off with anyone except myself. I hate that I allow myself to feel this way. Now, I'm in limbo, just waiting... Will he text? Won't he? Did I scare him off with my claim of anger? Does he care? Did he change his mind about me overnight?

If I didn't have the amazing group of friends that I do, I think would have talked myself into madness by now with all the what ifs, whys and worries. I'm not crazy or needy; I'm simply used to being hurt and that's what I've come to expect. I'm still learning to trust that someone wouldn't intentionally do that to me.

It's SO hard to not say something right now.  
I just have to wait.
Let the universe do what it's going to do. 

Love,
Meaghan
PS - I'll probably end up saying something.

Photos

Just some photos from the year (up until June) that I love <3.  Will share more soon! 

Love,

Meaghan

Cheers to Caysee

How to Say Good-bye to Your Best Friend

Caysee had been sick for awhile now, but other then the inability to not pee all the time (yay, doggie diapers), she still acted like herself: happy and in love with life, (especially when the people she loved the most were around her).  Last week, she took a turn for the worst.  When I got home from work and went to pet her, she winced and ran away, as though she were bad.  When I tried again, and she looked at me with fear, I knew the end was imminent.  I needed my mom.  She wasn't home when I called, but my dad was.  As I told him I might be seeing him soon, I started to cry and he tried to comfort me by empathizing with me as we'd put our family dog down Christmas Eve 2012.  When I didn't stop, he simply said "Just remember we love you" and at that point I had to hang up the phone.  I know, without a doubt, that my father loves me, but he is not the type to say it.  As soon as I hung up, I collapsed on the kitchen floor, sobbing.

I kept hoping that I was wrong, that it was just a bad night, but it didn't get better.  When she didn't even want to sleep with me that night, I knew it was time.  When Caysee first got sick, way back in March of 2013, with a bladder infection, she went on anti-biotics, pain killers and medication to strengthen her bladder wall to help with incontinence.  From March until November, Caysee woke me up every two hours to go pee.  (Ready for babies, much?)  My vet was two hours away and would only prescribe two weeks worth of anti-biotics, so either I was going that way or my mom was coming to me.  It didn't clear up, so I went to see a vet in town.  He confirmed it was not a bladder infection and that he believed it to be a tumour in Caysee's bladder wall.  I could get an ultrasound to make sure, but it would be in-operable, and the chemo medication would contradict the current pain-killers.  At that point, I decided to take Caysee off of all medication and the instant she began to suffer, I would put her down.  Last Thursday, I called my vet from out of town and booked an appointment for Saturday morning to do just that.  Caysee was now taking extra strength Advil (in doggie-size bites) and she let me come near her.  My brother came over to say good-bye to her and she was beside herself, she was so happy to see him.  She didn't leave his side the entire time he was there.  When I saw how she was acting, I started to second-guess myself.  Was it really time?  Am I pushing this?  Should she have more time?  As I cried, my brother reassured me that it WAS time and that I was making the best decision.

As she saw me packing our stuff Friday, she was so excited because she knew we were going to the cottage.  I made sure as I packed, to throw out her bed, gather most of her things and hide them so that when I got home, I wouldn't see them.  Caysee loved the car ride, sticking her head out the window at each stop and she'd leave it out there until we got up past 48 km/h.  At the cottage, she was ecstatic.  She got to hang out with my parents, be outside in the fresh air and we took one last walk along the beach during the sunset.  I had a super hard time going to bed because I didn't want the night to end.  I knew what the morning would bring and I wanted every last second with her.  Her hips were starting to get the best of her at this point, and I had to pick her up to put her on my bed to sleep that night.  She woke me up at 5am because she couldn't get down by herself to go scratch my door to go outside.  We spent some more time in the backyard and my dad was up to go golfing, so he was able to love her and say good-bye.  My mom held it together (somehow) as she said good-bye and I loaded Cays into the car to go get my mom's best friend, who was coming with me to the vet's.  When it was time to go in, Cays was all of a sudden very calm.  For those of us who knew Caysee, there has never been an instance where she didn't bark at a stranger or try to snap at another dog.  She simply stood at my side.  As the vet looked over and said, "wow, she's lost a lot of weight", the rest of the self-doubt I'd had faded.  We took her in, I picked her up and put her on the counter and laid her down.  Care of her previous aggression, the vet decided to use her back leg, to which I am so thankful because I was able to hold my baby in my arms as she left this world, quickly and peacefully, and showered with kisses and "good girls" and "I love yous".  As I stood alone in the room with her, I started to stress out.  How do you LEAVE?  How do you just GO and leave her laying there?  All of a sudden, the words came out of my mouth, "Say hi to BooBoo for me" (our family dog) and I kissed her about 17 more times and left.  Realizing she was with Rylee made it okay to leave.  As we drove home, I felt a huge sense of relief.  I didn't have to doubt myself, I didn't worry that I'd made the wrong decision, she didn't have to suffer, she didn't have to get worse and we didn't have to WATCH her get worse. 

That was, without a doubt, the hardest thing I've ever had to do, not just for myself, but for someone else.  How do you decide the best time for your best friend to die?  The car, the cottage, my house, my backyard, my bed and my heart feel empty without her.  I keep waiting for her to scratch at the back door or come greet me when I get home from work. 

I have 13 years worth of habits to break. 


Baby Bear - I love you more than anything I've ever loved on this planet.  You were my CayCay, my Bebe, my Honey Bear and then some.  You were loving, sweet, cuddly and protective.  You have been through so much with me over the last 13 and a half years. I will never be able to replace you, my first puppy. THANK YOU.  One part of my heart belongs always and forever to you and I will miss you every day.  


Love always, always, always,
Mama

Absenteeism

I've totally been a blogger absentee.  I know this.  I never said I would come back full time, though I wish I had the commitment in me to do so.  Most of my life I've always wanted to be a writer.  I missed the University application deadline when I was younger, so when I should have been going to UW for English, I applied to a couple of colleges and picked random programs that I figured I would have some sort of interest in (who the hell ACTUALLY knows what they want to do with their life at 18??) and LUCKILY, fell into something I happen to adore.  And am kind of good at.  You need have no doubt when you leave your children in my care.  Not only do I have over a decade (ahhh!) of experience with children, but I also have common sense, compassion, empathy and genuine love for those itty bitty dudes.  But, I digress. 

All of my life, I've wanted to be an author and I still believe I have time to do so.  I know the hardest part will be starting my book. Not only will choosing a topic be impossible (rom-com, auto-biography, self-help, what?!) I've totally become one of those "I'll start/do it tomorrow" people.  I kind of detest that.  As I also love to read, something I read caught my eye and has since become a bit of a personal mantra: If it takes less than two minutes to do it, just do it.  So, whether it's taking stuff downstairs from the top of the stairs, to emptying garbage out of my car, to sending a quick email, text or even a call, I just do it now.  It makes life that much easier (and less cluttered).

Anyway, I just wanted to write and say "hey".  I know it's been awhile.  Miss you, dudes.  I will try my hardest to make more frequent visits.

Love muchly.
em

New Year Wishes

I'm setting my goals extremely high for 2014.  I plan on it being the BEST YEAR TO DATE.  And I know that it's totally achievable!  Before the end of the year, I'll be setting up a few different POAs (Plans of Action) for different aspects of my life such as health and diet, Arbonne, and budget.  Within each of these will be various categories such as self-improvement, monthly, weekly and daily goal setting and many, many to do lists.  Those of you who know me, know my house is covered with these lists; they're EVERYYYYYYWHERE.  I love stroking things off these lists and I'm so very super excited for the new year.

Thank you all so much for your love and support of my blog over the past year(ish).  It means a lot that I have a lot of loyal followers and I am so very grateful for each and every single one of you.

Let's make 2014 your best one too!

All my love and then some,
Meaghan

Moving Forward!

So, for a zillion years, I've been wanting and (barely) trying to make a monthly newsletter for my Arbonne business.  Today, I finally finished it!  I'm super super pumped about it and hope that I can make it AMAZING and pretty and helpful to my clients.  I even found out how I can link a "subscribe to my newsletter" on here!  I'm going to try it and hope it works.  Feel free to be my guinea pigs.  Hope you are all well and that those of you out there Christmas shopping are almost done!  If you need some help picking things out, I'm your girl!

Subscribe to Meaghan's Monthly Newsletter!

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Have an amazing Friday!  I'm totally planning on catching up on sleep, laundry and cleaning!  

Much love!
Meaghan

The Body Speaks

I've been dealing with a variety of illnesses/plagues/inconveniences lately.  I think it's my body's way of saying "getting your shit together and get back into running!" as well as "stop eating those g.d. peanut butter chocolate bars and all that delicious chocolate granola from healthy foods and more!"  The cracked tooth care of the granola may also be suggesting that.  I'm working on it, body.  Just get rid of this last plague completely and I'll promise I'll be better to myself.

In other news, care of yoga, I touched my toes for the first time.  IN MY LIFE.  Small Victory?  Not quite.  I've been trying to reach those things for years.  Thank you, Beth, and my partner in crime, Gillian, for all the yoga amazingness.  Sundays are one of the best parts of my week.

I hope this evening finds you all well.
Love and love and then some,
M

Media and Mannequins

So today, I watched two videos that inspired me in very different, but very much the same ways.  The first video (see below) discussed how it's impossible to physically live up to media standards and how we will NEVER LOOK LIKE THE GIRLS IN ADS.  The second video was about the reactions of some disabled individuals seeing themselves made into mannequins.  

(I feel like I need to put a disclaimer out there:  YES, I am a model.  YES, I have done photoshoots and YES, they have been photoshopped.  However, I also work for an agency that brings in models of all shapes and sizes from all walks of life.  We are not all size 0s. In fact, most of us aren't, and this is why I feel like I can post the video below and have the negative feelings about the media and advertisements that I do.)

Cindy Crawford's comment about "I wish I looked like Cindy Crawford" really hit home for me.  The alterations and digital re-vamping done completely changes how these people look.  They end up not even looking like themselves!  As if it's not difficult enough to survive life without comparing yourself to those around you at work or school, but there's this impossible standard in the media that consumes us.  And it never ends.  I'm definitely working on letting things go; realizing that I won't have the body I had when I was 16 and that if I don't have abs, WHO ACTUALLY CARES?  As long as I am happy and healthy and taking care of myself, that should be enough.

The second video involved a few streams of tears.  While this comes as a complete shock to no one, it was an amazing watch that reiterated the importance of inclusion; that it's okay to look the way you look and that you should always be yourself.  The typical mannequin needs to invite some new buddies of different shapes, sizes and abilities into its store-front.

 

People With Disabilities React to Mannequins Created in Their Image

Ownership and New Year's Resolutions

It's been almost a month since I last logged on.  It's not that I haven't had anything to say, it's that I've let important things slide a little bit.  I'm a gamer, a nerd, a League of Legends addict... and sometimes (more often lately than not), I've let it get the best of me.  I have good, no, GREAT intentions of playing just two games a day and then all of a sudden, my entire evening is gone.  I haven't left my bed, I've been eating non-stop, I've let the house turn into a disaster and I've stop caring about things that are important to me; friendships/relationships, my business, my house and most importantly, myself.  

Tonight, I started examining my core values.  I was reading a blog, written by who I call my "Arbonne Crush", Deb Borges, and she was discussing core values.  No matter what people think or people say, do I let that change my core values?  Do I change who I am depending on who I surround myself with?  More often than not, YES.  I've just decided that one of the core values I want to focus on is OWNERSHIP.  I want to be accountable for my actions, my past ones, the ones I haven't yet made, and I want to learn from my mistakes and experiences.  I don't want to be owned by a computer game, I don't want to care what other people think, I want to be SUCCESSFUL, I want to dream, I want to stand up for my beliefs, and I want to love myself, flaws and all.

As New Year's approaches (it's not THAT far off, people), I want to come up with resolutions that are achievable and things I can be held accountable for.  However, I also think it's important that the resolutions aren't so super specific that there's only one way to do them.  How about "I want to take better care of myself" instead of "I want to lose 20 pounds"?  If I only lose 19, then I haven't achieved my resolution and I'll likely say "forget it" and probably put that weight back on.  (Emotional eater much?)

I hope this entry finds you well.  I will do my best to be back more often, and I'll totally take ownership if I'm not.  As always, thanks for reading.
Love muchly and then some,
Meaghan

Here is the link to Deb's blog: Alive and Empowered Blog

Fear and Loathing in Kitchener

The pain on the inside of my mouth has subsided...  aside from the one spot where I bit the inside of my cheek.  Turns out "You can eat immediately" does not mean "Eat immediately".  The coconut cookie bar (Healthy Foods and More: I both abhor and love you for this) was not eaten in a very classy way; coconut, chocolate and other crumbs in my car can attest to this.  Considering that half of my face was frozen until yesterday afternoon, I think I did okay.  I did bite my lip though and as it's a high traffic area, (care of my never-ending need to eat) it's quite raw and disgusting.  I don't really like people looking at me right now because I feel like it stands out and is the only thing you can see.  I don't like to feel ugly.  

There, I said it.  

Not shocking to any of you, I care what others think of me and my appearance constantly.  I read an article today claiming that selfie picture takers are all obnoxious, arrogant "please let me show you hot I am" douche bags.  Some of us selfie whores are just constantly seeking ACCEPTANCE because of our constant fear of rejection.

So many truths tonight.
Back to starting/finishing Catching Fire in a day.
Good night, friends.

xoxox,
Miss God
(refer to instagram for comprehension @meaghanls)

Pain In My Teeth

I got to have today off.  I had planned on finishing with the xmas decorations and raking some leaves...  Unfortunately, my trip to the dentist rendered me fairly useless.  I was going in to have two cavities filled and when I got there, I found out I was having two NEW cavities filled in in addition to the two I had had from before.  And naturally, they were in three different areas of my poor mouth.  The first three needles didn't work on one side of my mouth, so I ended up with a fourth on the top of my mouth. Super delightful.  After almost two hours and over $700 later, I was free.  

While I didn't get to spend my day doing the chores I desired and instead spent the day in bed playing a couple of games of League of Legends, followed by a number of hours reading, I have to say that I am super super super grateful for the coverage I have through my school.  Of this large amount handed out for my teeth (to my beautiful dentist), I only have to pay $13 of it.  Every day, I am thankful for my job and my co-workers (love you, teaching partner!), but the benefits I have and PENSION I get make me realize how LUCKY I am to have this job.  I will never take any of it for granted.

For now, I'm off to teach modeling for 3 hours.  I'm hoping the pain in my head and mouth subside so that I don't feel inclined to hang out with Rob Ford and indulge in crack to make myself feel better.

Much love.
M

Far Too Tired to Come Up With a Creative Title...

Hello, my friends!

After starting to cry over a stupid joke tonight at dodgeball and slamming out the door and heading into the washroom (like the 5 year old I am), it's really hit me just how tired I am.  I think I need to start napping when I get home from work or sleep when Caysee sleeps, just like mamas do with their babies.  I'm ready for bed around 8 every night, but fight it off in the hopes of making it until 10 and then just end up being wide awake until at least midnight.  And then I'm up again usually before 1 to let Caysee out and then every 2-3 hours after that unless she pees on the floor or right on my bed, which she has started doing.  (I totally started researching doggie diapers, by the way).  Other than all the peeing, Caysee seems to be doing better; I was super worried a few weeks ago.  

For now, I give into the writer's block and attempt to head to bed.

PS - had a super super super fabulous weekend with my fam jam and at Meghan's wedding.

Love,
M