Easier to Run

Another celebrity death today... another this year, this decade. And I am heart broken. I have been a Linkin Park fan since their first song came out, and I have blared their CDs as loud as I can ever since. Chester was my favourite member of the band, not only because of his ability to sing AND scream at the top of his lungs and still sound AMAZING, but because I loved his lyrics. They came from this deep, dark place and touched on emotions that not a lot of song writers have come close to doing. I also loved the shit out of his tattoos (and overall appearance). 

I'm sad because he's dead, and I'm really upset by the cause. Already today, I have read too many internet warriors claiming that suicide is the weak way to go, that it's cowardly, or that it's selfish. And to that, I respond, "fuck you". You have clearly never suffered through mental health issues, such as anxiety or depression, (and if you have, and you still think it's selfish, then I have no words for you). 

I want you to go back to the darkest time in your life and really remember how you felt, and then pretend that it never got better. Pretend that it got worse. Then, imagine that the only future you can see is one where being dead is better off than being alive. Picture that and the constant demons you have to battle. 

I know you're probably thinking, "Meaghan, what the fuck do YOU know about mental illness? You're pretty, you're skinny, you live with your boyfriend, you own a house, you have a job, you run your own business,  you're constantly posting pictures of all the amazing things in your life." And I do have an amazing life, one that I am beyond grateful for, but that was not always the case. Maybe one day I will go into detail about it, but for now, the long of the short is that I am a survivor of bullying, depression, sexual harassment, sexual assault, and that I used to hold blades to my arms with dreams of "saving" myself. I know how dark things are when you truly believe that death is better than what is coming. When you don't see a life beyond a certain age.

So, why is this a small victory? It's not. I'm not looking for the joy in suicide, I'm hoping that people use their empathy skills today and put away their judgments. I'm hoping people will remember that mental illness is an actual thing and that you have absolutely no idea what other people are going through, despite what their facebook/instagram suggests. Be kind to each other and love each other. That's what we all really need. Now, imagine me giving you a hug through the screen and for those of you going through a rough time, REACH OUT TO SOMEONE. You are not alone and you are loved, no matter what kind of head space you are in.

Much love and then a fucking shit ton more,
M

The Value You Place On Yourself

On Tuesday, something that I'd never imagined before happened: I met with one of my mentors, my gurus, my magical entrepreneur crush. Yes, I had worked with her, but never had I been in a room BY MYSELF with her, with me as the focus. I wish I could emphasize how special I felt that out of the thousands of people within her business, she spent time on ME. Why? Because she knows my worth. And it wasn't until we spent an hour together, that all of the things I've simply thought about myself (but never said too much about), I said OUT LOUD, and I made them real. I made them true. Do you know what a relief it was to say those things and have them heard? And not just to say them out loud, but to have somebody else agree, that yes, of course, you are all of those things and more. 

Far too often, the value we places on ourselves is how we believe we are perceived by others. And to that, I now call, "bullshit". Strangers can pretend to perceive my worth based on my appearance, my music choices, the way I dance, the things I protest, anything I believe in. They can perceive my value based on their own insecurities or jealousy, but here's the thing; I'm the one who actually gets to decide my value. And good news for you! You get to decide yours too! 

What are the things that you know deep down to be true? The things you somewhat question about yourself, the things you think someone else would laugh about? Try saying those things out loud; to your reflection, your dog, your partner, your fish, the air! It doesn't matter. Put it out in the universe. And then say it again. And again. And again. And then it just is... It won't be a matter of belief, it just will BE.

Since Tuesday, I have had random people reach out to me, that I haven't spoken to in long periods of time, and I had genuine, amazing conversations with ALL of them, and I know that it is because of this shift in my thinking. My value. My worth. Knowing that I am meant for more.

Don't ever underestimate yourself. You are valuable in ways you've never spoken out loud about.

Peace, love, and compassion.
M

Musical Amazement of 2015

For anyone who knows me, you know that for the most part, I've usually got music on... of all styles, genres, eras and whatnot. (Mostly for myself) I've decided to make a list of my favourite albums I discovered this year and then my top songs. Each album took hours of my time, but each specific song likely took up days. When I find one I love, hello, repeat. My songs of the year are  a) songs with amazing beats that are fun to dance to (especially in the car), b) fun to sing to (especially in the car at the top of my lungs, also while dancing), or c) can be attributed to specific moments or events of the year that hold much significance. A large brunt of them stem from Osheaga, the event highlight of my year. Other songs like Sia's and Selena's were "fuck you" songs directed at men who did me wrong and anything else was simply a song that touched something within me, my heart, or was simply just a fucking awesome song (thanks, Biebs). See below for a taste via YouTube.

Meaghan's Favourite Albums of the Year:

Broods – Evergreen

Iggy Azalea – The New Classic

Kid Ink – Full Speed

Lana Del Rey – Ultraviolence

Marina and the Diamonds - FROOT

Mumford and Sons – Wilder Mind

Of Monsters and Men – Beneath the Skin

Taylor Swift - 1989

Tove Lo – Queen of the Clouds

Meaghan's Favourite Songs of the Year:

Broods – Bridges

The Chemical Brothers - Go

Coldplay – Adventure of a Lifetime

Disclosure - Omen

Drake – 10 Bands

Florence + the Machine – Queen of Peace

Justin Bieber - Sorry

Kardinal Offishall – That Chick Right There

Kid Ink – Diamonds and Gold

Lana Del Rey – High By the Beach

Major Lazer – Lean On

Metric – The Shade, Too Bad So Sad, Lies Lies Lies, For Kicks

Of Monsters and Men – I of the Storm

Prince Royce – Stuck on a Feeling

Rihanna – Bitch Better Have My Money

Selena Gomez – Same Old Love

Sia – Elastic Love

Tove Lo – Thousand Miles

Vance Joy – Riptides, Fire and the Flood

The Weeknd – I Can’t Feel My Face

X Ambassadors - Renegades

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for every one of our encounters, every one of the lessons I've been taught (and am still learning!), and the love/like/dislike/disconnect/reconnections I've had this year.

I've had a lot of uphill battles in 2015, from broken hearts to biting dogs to contemplating selling the house to feelings of self-loathing and dealing with much of this by not eating, by eating too much, by spending far too many hours "escaping life" on League of Legends, by venting/over-venting, writing, drinking, crying (a lot of crying), reading (hello, elephant journal), not enough running, and practicing yoga...

Thank you to those of you who were at my beck and call, who tried to understand me through my sobs, who talked me out of insanity, who reminded me of my value and worth, who realized I was stressed, who hugged me when I needed it most and who loved the shit out of me at my lowest points. I am so lucky and thankful and only hope I can make you feel even an ounce of the love you give me every day.

Happy Thanksgiving! May you be surrounded by those you love and cherish. You are all amazing and I'm so grateful to have each of you in my life, no matter how big or small of an impact you've had.

All my love, and then some more because I can never give enough,
Meaghan

PS - Some extra special love and thanks to LA, B-tran, 3g and Sparky

Scatter of the Brain

Hello, lovelies.

Press play on the song before reading.

I write whilst also writing a self-reflection paper on racism and ethnicity after a really, really long day. 

So much to write and so much to say, but my brain is everywhere right now.

• Bows and Arrows - KW's own Hunger Games?  W T F?
• Arrests at school - Lockdown completely unrelated to the other 11 "Secure and Holds" in town
• School and school and school - remind me why I'm doing this?
• To roommate or not to roommate? $$$
• Small Victory = Hugs were awesome today
• Big Victory once this g.d. paper is done = Oktoberfest is almost here

Now picture me dancing in the kitchen to this song. My neighbours (likely) think I'm insane.

It's 1am. I should probably finish this paper. Or sleep.

Good night. <3
Love muchly,
Megs

Summertime Sadness

I've left this window open for days... Possibly a week. I want to write, but I feel stuck. What's important? What is a key issue? What is something people want to read? Then I realized, it doesn't matter whether people are interested in what I have to say or not; writing is therapeutic for me and a way to confront the things I'm unable to say out loud.

Summer is hard for me. Everyone is always saying, "You're so lucky to have the summer off!" or "I'm so jealous!" and I understand where you're coming from... If I had kids to be off with, a consistent part-time summer gig or anything that was somewhat similar to a routine, I would be lucky and you would have every right to be jealous. Instead, I go through every range of emotion possible over two months. I go from being excruciatingly happy to be outside in the sun all day with the dog, working on my tan and/or garden/front yard (that never ends) to feelings of legitimate despair and worthlessness. I have so many plans for this life and I absolutely know and believe with my whole heart that I am meant for more. I have always always always felt this way and to work on this, I create lists; I create many, many to do lists. I have bucket lists, daily lists, Arbonne lists, cleaning lists, grocery lists, long term lists... and I find much satisfaction in crossing things off. However, when I'm not working and without a consistent schedule to keep me busy, I am the least motivated person in the world. I manifest the "do it tomorrow" attitude and it never comes. I usually put on weight, I play too many video games, I eat out of boredom, I cry wayyyy more than I usually do and I begin to feel like I'm simply not enough. And because I do all these things and let myself feel this way, I then get angry at myself for letting my life fall apart and not working towards the goals I have set out for myself. Vicious cycle.

I didn't get to come into summer full of joy either. As per my past few posts, I've had my fair share of dealing with some completely awful people this year: men who have disappeared (ghosting, as it's called because it happens so frequently that there's actually a TERM for it), men who have used me, men who taken advantage of me, men who have treated me as though I am nothing but gorgeous tits and a body to grind up to, cuddle up to, lay next to. 

Don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of amazing times this summer. I am blessed to have a cottage I can visit anytime and see the parentals, my brother and his wifey live in town and just had a third and gorgeous little baby girl and I got to go to a music festival in Montreal with two of my favourite people (as seen by the vomitting of photos on Instagram and Facebook). I guess I'm simply saying that I love having time off, I love having a (much needed) break, but that I'm horrible at motivating myself to do everything that needs to be/should be getting done and that often, at times, I feel like a lonely, worthless, bag of shit.

So, if I've seen you and my hug lingered a little longer than usual, it's because I really needed it and because I love you and I'm happy you're in my life.

Make sure to give an extra squeeze the next time we hug.

Much love and sunshine,
Megs

When I Give Up

I deleted Tinder today and sent messages to all the people I'd been going on dates with or talking to end things. I finally hit the point of exasperation care of how much work dating is. Trying to keep up and remember who said what or what so and so looks like and being busy every single day is draining. Additionally, when you do find someone you quasi-connect with, they simply end up disappointing you by not showing up, never responding or not having their shit together. The latter is even more exhausting, so I'm giving up on seeking out love. I refuse to be so dramatic as to say I'm giving up on it, as I know it's everywhere and all around me all the time, but in terms of dating someone to find love, I'm saying fuck it. 

For now. 
Love can find me when it's ready.

M